We Are Always With You

By Deborah Simmons, PhD LMFT

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was full of excitement alongside the typical anxieties that come with bringing a little life into the world. I prepared in every way, yet I did not anticipate a preterm birth – never mind a birth 14 weeks early.  

At 26 weeks, we discovered that her doctors did not believe that she would survive her undeveloped lungs and a substantial brain bleed. To our doctors’ surprise, Jen continued to fight in the NICU for the next 100 days, including undergoing several surgeries, before being discharged and sent home. During the 100 days that my daughter was in the NICU, my family was on what felt like a never-ending roller-coaster ride.

To cope with the enormity of overwhelmingness I faced after Jen’s birth, I began grasping for things within my control. This included learning medical terminology, how to read medical charts, and understanding neonatal care and treatment. I became a “Clinical Mommy” as a way for me to feel a sense of control over this seemingly uncontrollable reality and to learn how to take care of my sick little baby. When I gave birth to my son prematurely at 35 weeks, I was considerably more prepared than I had been with my first birth.

This is how I learned about the value of premature and neonatal care and resources. I learned how extremely fragile and vulnerable premature babies are that receive critical care and treatment in the NICU. It might seem obvious that premature babies need extra support, but I learned just how many medical innovations there are that can help preemies thrive.

Because giving birth prematurely – and all the complications that can follow – is such a traumatic and challenging experience, I had trouble processing my daughter’s birth. I couldn’t recount her birth story without becoming overwhelmed with emotion – as I now know many premature parents feel. Eventually, when my daughter was 6 years old, I began to put my feelings into writing. I wrote We Are Always With You, a book created to help other families process their own premature births and to help families to tell their children their preemie story.

Through my writing and my own processing of this experience, I realized that premature births – while dramatic and challenging – are also filled with love, hope, strength, resilience, and connection. When my husband and I left the hospital each night, with our daughter left behind in the NICU, I would say to her, “We are always with you even when we’re apart.” That is what being a preemie parent is about; it’s about the abundance of love parents have for their baby. It’s also about the people and medical resources that provide a safe haven for the child and help the preemie thrive.

I hope my writing helps preemie parents find comfort in their unique births, and I also hope they are reminded of the love, patience, and strength that they’ll always carry with them following this experience. 

Dr. Simmons is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She works as a Surrogacy & Donor Conception Consultant, specializing in counseling for infertility, pregnancy loss, premature delivery, donor sperm, and gestational surrogacy.